Ghosts and Clouds and Nameless Things
by Severuslovesme
Summary: Meredith Grey died at 6:47 pm, February 15, 2007. Dr. Richard Weber called the time of death.


Ghosts and Clouds and Nameless Things

Meredith Grey died at 6:47 pm, February 15, 2007. Dr. Richard Weber called the time of death.

**---**

_And the wind began to blow and the trees began to pant_

_And the world in its cold way started coming alive_

_And I stood there like a businessman waiting for the train_

_And I got ready for the future to arrive – Woke Up New_

Sometimes Bailey feels like they're the only doctors in the whole hospital, but now is not one of those times. Now she is happy that there is a whole cardio-thoracic department, because it means Burke can be here instead of fixing holes in other people. The other neurosurgeons can handle the trauma cases and Shepherd can sit with his back against the wall, not moving, Sloane's hand on his arm.

It means her interns can stand in the hallway, out of the way but _in the way_ because she can see them from the corner of her eye and she sees Cristina's blank expression and George's panic and Alex's fear. It means someone else can save people, for right now, because right now none of the people in this hallway can save themselves.

She wants to gather them to her, to protect and cuddle them like she can her son. But they're not her children and even if they were she couldn't protect them from this.

She feels the Chief's eyes on her and knows what he needs her to do. He needs her to tell them all, because he was almost Meredith Grey's father, and he's Derek's mentor and he _can't _be the one that shatters all of that.

Bailey hates him then, like she's never hated anyone, because Derek is her friend and they're her interns and she loves them even though they try her patience and her sanity.

She walks to where they stand, behind the hallway doors, and stops. Izzie, George and Alex can tell just from looking at her what the news is, she knows. Knows by the way their faces fall, the way they seem to crumple into themselves. Izzie grabs George's hand. Cristina though is still standing rigid, demanding with her silence that Bailey give voice to the events, declaring with her empty eyes that she won't believe it until someone literally says the words.

So Bailey does.

**---**

_I lay down right where I felt cold grass in my face_

_And I hear the traffic like the rhythm of the tides_

_And I stare at the scrape on the heel of my hand_

_'til it doesn't sting so much and until the blood's dried_

_And when somebody asks if I'm ok_

_I don't know what to say_

_And along the highway_

From cast-off innumerable seeds

_Wild sage growing in the weeds. – Wild Sage_

Derek feels Mark's grip on his arm tighten as Bailey exits the room, looks him in the eye and shakes her head. His head spins and he puts it between his knees.

He told her that morning – was it only that morning? The rest of his life seems to have happened years in the past – that he was her knight in shining armor, that this was their happily ever after.

Without warning his world has shifted and the future he had imagined for himself – with Meredith – is gone. He raises his head to face this new, unwelcome world.

Bailey passes him with compassion in her eyes and moves down the hall towards the door where Meredith's friends keep silent watch. He cannot hear her words but he recognizes the way the light goes out of their eyes. He has seen it before, in the family members of patients he couldn't save. Izzie is holding on to George like he's her tether to reality, and he's never seen that look on Cristina's face before.

But he has seen it before, a hundred times, in every hospital waiting room. He knows it's on his own face. He hates that there is not some new way to express the loss of Meredith, because nothing before this can have compared, no previously felt grief could equal his in this moment.

A sob chokes him and he stands, shaky on his feet. Mark hovers near him but doesn't follow when he stumbles into the trauma room. Someone in there is screaming, shouting curses to the heavens and anyone in his way – and he realizes that it's him. That's why Burke and the Chief are exchanging panicked glances, why Addison has just pricked him with a syringe.

He slumps towards their waiting arms and Meredith is the last thing he sees before he closes his eyes.

**---**

_I look down at my hands_

_Like they were mirrors – New Monster Avenue_

After he helps Addison and Sloane settle Derek onto the other bed in the trauma bay, exhaustion preventing them from moving him further, Burke goes in search of Cristina. He doesn't want to see her; he can hardly face her now that he's failed her like this. He couldn't save Meredith for her. He doesn't want to see the accusation in her eyes, but he needs to know that she's ok, is still warm and alive and with him.

He finds them all in one of the conference rooms, the one with the couches off to the side. The Chief nods to him in greeting then goes back to staring at his hands.

He touches Cristina's back gently, hesitantly, and she flinches away. He tries to meet her gaze but even though they're making eye contact she isn't looking at him. A ghost of despair haunts her face, but other than that she is blank. He sits next to her anyway, and takes her hand, noticing that it is as cold as Meredith's.

He thinks that she would flee if she had anywhere to go, anywhere that would be an escape. She sits impossibly motionless, completely immune to Izzie's sobs and George's murmurs that are meant to comfort but don't seem to be helping.

They sit there in silence for a long time, till the quiet tears have soaked the top of Bailey's coat, and Izzie has sobbed herself into a daze. He starts when the door opens unexpectedly, but it's just Derek, flanked on either side by Sloane and Addison. They hold him between them, as if afraid he will run off. Or collapse.

Derek sits across the table from them, and Cristina's head comes up and their eyes meet. Burke catches a spark of recognition on Derek's face, and he squeezes Cristina's hand.

She doesn't squeeze back.

**---**

_And as I was crossing our doorstep_

_I hesitated just a moment there_

_Remembered the day we moved in to our small house_

_'til the vision got too vivid to bear – Moon Over Goldsboro_

When George gets up to look for Callie Izzie thinks that home sounds good, better than the floor of a conference room. Her muscles are stiff from sitting curled up for so many hours.

She drives herself home and stares at Meredith's blue sweater in the backseat of the car when she stops at stoplights, as if looking at it will bring Meredith back. She slams the car door when she gets to the house, as if the noise will bring Meredith out to investigate.

The oven calls to her when she walks inside, her old coping mechanism offering itself up. But she can't bake. Maybe later she'll make something to take Cristina and they can sit Shiva. Later. Now she needs the bathroom floor.

To get there she has to stand across from Meredith's room, the door is open and the bed unmade, awaiting its occupants' return. Without thinking Izzie moves into the room and with brisk efficiency makes the bed. As if it will bring Meredith back.

That unnecessary task finished she walks into the bathroom, completely calm and collected, tearstains dried on her face. Meredith's grey towel is slung over the edge of the bath.

Izzie gasps for air as she sinks to the floor, her hands clinging to the tile as if it could ground her. Meredith drowned, she thinks, and now she knows how that must feel, because her lungs have stopped working and there are black spots in her eyes and her legs and arms are numb.

She thinks this as if it will bring Meredith back.

**---**

_Pulled my sleeves down over my hands, over my hands_

_And I wished I was someone else_

_And I wished it was warmer – In the Hidden Places_

By the time it is getting light again outside Addison decides it's time for them to go home. Catching Mark's eye she takes Derek's arm, and between them they guide him, unresisting, to the door. Addison pauses to throw a glance at Burke, who still has a hand on Cristina's back, though the other cradles his head. Cristina still hasn't moved.

Derek is limp between them, and she knows it's not the sedative anymore; it's the pain and the shock. Addison takes a minute to send up a silent curse at the universe for doing this to him – to them.

Addison takes Derek home with her that night, home to her new apartment that was much more cheerful than the hotel. Mark follows them without comment, and the three of them lay on the bed that night, Derek in the middle.

They don't speak, but Addison knows none of them sleep.

**---**

_And no one knows how to keep secrets 'round here_

_They tell everyone everything soon as they know_

_And then where is there left for poor sinners to go? – If You See Light_

Richard walks down the hallways, still bustling in the wake of the ferry accident, and tries to remember where he is going. He passes Torres and O'Malley hugging by the nurses' station and remembers. He's going to tell Ellis Grey that her daughter is dead. That her daughter, who he promised to protect and to teach, is gone.

He has taken on this task because there was nothing he could do for Meredith's friends, or for Shepherd or Bailey or anyone else. He can do this for Ellis though; he can let her hear the news from him and not someone she doesn't know. Not that she'll recognize him, but he hopes that this is one of her moments when she remembers Meredith. Meredith should have that much, at least.

He gets as far as sitting next to Ellis, holding her hand in both of his when he can't bear it anymore. He gives her hand a squeeze and walks out. It will be better coming from someone she doesn't know.

**---**

_And whole boxes of memories_

_Wrapped up at the curb_

_I sang songs to myself_

_Didn't have any words – Half Dead_

Ellis sits on her bed and picks at the blanket. There's something she knows she should be thinking about, but she can't remember what it is. The nurse – the one who never comes quickly enough when she is called – told her that Meredith is dead. Ellis doesn't know who Meredith is, but she thinks she should know, if the look the nurse gave her is any indication.

Richard was here, but he left. She's alone now. She wonders if that blonde girl, the one with the sad eyes, will visit today.

For some reason she feels like crying.

**---**

_And I will get lonely_

_And gasp for air_

_And look up at the high windows_

_And see your face up there – Get Lonely_

In the days before the funeral George sees Meredith everywhere. He sees her sneakers in the hallway. He sees her favorite kind of cereal in the cabinet. He sees her lying next to Izzie on the bathroom floor, and he sees her in the curve of Callie's jaw, in the light glinting off of a window.

He closes his eyes but he sees her there too, sees her in a black dress talking to Dr. Shepherd at the mixer, sees her in the dim light of her bedroom, sees her covered in blood. But mostly he sees her lying there in the trauma room; skin a grey waxy shade, lips blue and eyes closed.

Callie can't understand this different kind of grief – he pushes her away instead of pulling her close. He knows she thinks it's because she didn't really like Meredith, but it's because he can't look at her. She looks too much like Meredith to him, everyone looks too much like Meredith right now, but he can't do that to Callie.

George goes to the hospital, hoping to escape Meredith's house full of Meredith's things, but the hospital is full of Meredith too. He sees her sitting on their favorite ledge, just outside the doors. He sees her lounging in a chair in the cafeteria. He sees her hurrying to dress in the locker room, and eating her lunch in the really sleepy old guy's room.

He doesn't want to think about what will happen when he stops seeing her.

**---**

_I thought of old friends_

_the one's who'd gone missing_

_Said all their names three times_

_Phantoms in the early dark_

_Canaries in the mines – Maybe Sprout Wings_

Alex runs a hand through his hair and sighs. He glances back into the small crowd and sees Addison standing on the edge. Her hair is dull in the flat light.

There aren't very many people at the funeral. He suspects there would be more, but the hospital has to keep running. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter much if an intern dies.

Cristina and Shepherd stand at the front next to Meredith's mother, who must have been sedated because she's incredibly calm, or maybe she's realized this is serious, even if she doesn't know who it is being buried. Cristina's back is straight and her eyes are clear but empty. If it weren't for her hollow eyes she could be standing anywhere.

Shepherd is the opposite, tears are streaming from his eyes and they are full of emotion. Despite their alternate appearances they look to be holding each other up almost. Burke is holding Cristina's hand, but it's Shepherd she's leaning on.

The minister goes on about life lost too soon, and promise unfulfilled and Alex stifles a yawn and looks around again. Meredith would have hated this, he thinks. All of these people standing around in their black clothes, murmuring platitudes about how she was taken too young.

Izzie and George are off to his right, and he thinks that maybe after the wake the three of them can find Cristina and some booze, and talk about how much Meredith liked to drink tequila and how she often had sex with inappropriate men and how she was going to be a great surgeon.

He thinks she'd like that a little bit better.

**---**

_And no one was gonna come and get me_

_There wasn't anybody gonna know_

_Even though I leave a trail of burned things in my wake_

_Every single place I go – In Corolla_

After everyone left the funeral, after Burke had given up on her and decided to wait in the car, after even Derek had been led away by Addison and Mark, Cristina sits by the grave. The grave. She still can't think of it as Meredith's grave, with Meredith's body inside.

They beat death everyday, and she thinks maybe that's why this feels so surreal. They literally hold people's lives in their hands all the time and that's a kind of power that not many people get. But when it matters, when it actually fucking matters, they're helpless, just like anyone else. It didn't matter that some of the finest surgeons in the world were in that room with Meredith – it didn't help her any.

That's why she has to believe in science, in cold, hard fact. Because if she believes in faith, or some superior being, then she has to accept that this was planned, that Meredith's death served some purpose. She can't do that.

She knows Burke is worried about her, knows Bailey is concerned, hell even Izzie had broken out of her own self-absorption to notice that Cristina was definitively not okay. Not even that okay that everyone pretends to be after a funeral, when you're broken inside but pretend that life is really going to go on, that you won't grieve forever.

Cristina hasn't gotten there yet.

**---**

Meredith's gravestone reads:

Meredith Anne Grey

1980-2007

Beloved daughter and friend


End file.
